She is so sweet. I love her to pieces.
I feel so alone out here all the time. It sucks. I was just reading a blog by someone with far more to complain about than I have and she finds joy in the simple moments. She’s not sitting around feeling sorry for herself.
I cleaned house for an hour, baked a cake, made coffee. I get to sit here and look out at the beautiful blue sky and live a quiet drama free life. It’s nothing to be crying about.
Last week I found out my grandmother died. It’s ripping me apart. All I have to do is think of her and I tear up. Death is so final.
Sometimes I think I need a good antidepressant and a shrink. Other times I think I just need to get more sleep, watch what I eat and go for walks.
The girls will be here soon and my house will be loud again. I’m never alone yet I always am.
The girls were off from school yesterday so today feels like Monday. Cate woke me up at 4 a.m. and I let her watch cartoons on my ipod while I slept. Billy moved to the couch. Good times.
We nearly missed the bus this morning because they were dawdling and I lost track of time. Thank goodness our driver stops anyway. They took off running and now I am enjoying the peace that comes with the bus. Makes me feel lucky.
I have to go meet a lady to give her my old breastpump I listed on Craigslist. I hope she turns up and is normal and gives me the cash. It will be nice to add to my stash. Makes me nervous though. Think I’ll meet her somewhere public, say a little prayer and it will be fine, right? Oh that reminds me. I need to charge my phone.
I should get up and go to the gym. I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday and was horrified. My disgust though is only outweighed by my lack of desire to get up and go.
It feels like everyday I’m fighting the battle against slipping into the winter time blues. It’s hard. I know what I need to do but then I don’t do it.
Goals for today?
- Get dressed and go meet that lady.
- Take Audrey for a walk.
- Clean my room
- Read some of an actual book.
That’s it. That’s enough, right? ;)
- A dad who plays w/ his daughters and makes them breakfast
- Oatmeal w/ coconut oil, brown sugar, flax, vanilla and a splash of milk
- Kids eating Preacher Cookies that have 3/4 less sugar in them than I normally use and they love them!
- Friends who accept me for who I am
- A full tank of gas in the van
- A gym membership
- Dr. Bronner’s Peppermint Soap – amazing!
- Watching the little birds eat the seed we put out from the comfort and warmth of my sofa (and heating pad)
- Party plans!
- Vacation plans!
My life is pretty good. Reflecting on that makes me feel happy instead of disgruntled and ungrateful. I love these loud, crazy kids, my strong, hard working husband and my hilarious, sweet friends.
This morning the girls woke me before the sun. Cate bursts into our room declaring loudly that Audrey wants to snuggle. Lies. I suspect it was her idea not the toddler’s.
I got up and felt like ass because I’m run down and think maybe I’m getting a cold. Made pancakes for the girls and sausage and eggs with cheese for the man and plenty of hot coffee for me. Then I took a shower and left out of here with dripping wet hair in the freezing cold because I’m a dumb ass.
Took the trash to the dump wearing Cate’s kitty hat and then put the heat on full blast and drove to town. Splurged on a chai latte for myself because as usual the coffee got cold before I could drink it. Then I got my toes done. It was heavenly.
Went to Old Navy and got a few good deals. I bought some warm up jackets because apparently I’m going to walk/run in the frigid winter air? Right. I don’t know. Maybe it will inspire me. The price was great. I found a very pretty cream ruffled blouse to go with a skirt a friend gave me. I’m going to wear it tonight to this boy’s wedding.
The boy used to live across the street from us. The eldest of four children, he often sought the advice and companionship of my husband. I guess Billy played the big brother role well because the kid still comes to see us every now and then. Never calling first, still like a child, he’ll appear on our doorstep.
Billy took the girls to his parents’ house already and I’m relaxing (should be napping) until it’s time to get ready. Hard life, isn’t it?
It felt so good being out by myself this morning despite the wet hair and the cold. I can never get enough time alone. It always leaves me wanting more.
What a weird dream I had last night just before waking up. I was at my 20 year high school reunion (which isn’t until next year actually and I won’t be going). I was having conversations with people I haven’t seen in years when someone showed a video from when we were at the lake one time back in 1992. I saw myself the way I looked then and then looked down and saw my present self. It was so sad. Can’t believe that was 20 years ago. That was such a good summer.
What a reality check when I saw my face in the mirror and pulled on my XL comfy pants so I could drag my ass into the kitchen and make coffee before I fix breakfast, pack lunches and wake the girls. Really made me want to crawl back in the bed and go back to sleep.
But I didn’t.
Now I’m feeling a bit guilty for just how much I enjoyed watching those two daughters of mine run and catch their bus. Sometimes I baby them too much. I often help them get dressed and I always do their hair. This morning I let them do much of that themselves (except their hair, it would be a mess!) Forgot to give Emma her backpack and the bus got here and she was scrambling and freaking out. Our bus driver is great. It’s not like she’d drive away. So funny!
And now peace and quiet. Audrey and I have gotten into our little routine where she lounges in Emma’s bed watching cartoons for a bit while I watch the Today Show and eat my breakfast. It is so nice.
I think I am going to stay here today even though I know I should go exercise. I don’t want to. Let’s call cleaning your house fast while loud music plays exercise, shall we?
Here are some things I have on my oh-so-exciting agenda:
- Make grocery list and menu
- Do some laundry
- Get addresses of friends to invite them to a little party next month
- Think about what to serve for that
- Think about Cate’s birthday party, work on getting the girls she wants to invite’s addresses.
- Play with Audrey and read to her
- Work on photobooks
- Sew something during A’s naptime
- Think about dinner
- Do homework w/ Emma before Billy gets home
Let’s be realistic. If I do two of the things on that list, I’ve been extremely productive!
Had a much better day today. So glad I got out of this house. The walls were closing in. I felt like I should have stayed here and cleaned but knew I wouldn’t and it was better. After meeting a friend for a few hours, I came home feeling so much better that I actually did something I’ve been putting off for days.
The girls just got home from school and are watching cartoons. I love listening to them talk to each other. It’s very sweet when they’re getting along. Not so much when they’re not.
Planning little events to look forward to. Maybe a small party here. A manicure and a haircut later this month. A possible trip somewhere fun in March. I am not a planner but maybe this year I’ll try to be a little bit of one. It seems like it would help.
The weather is so crazy. One day it’s warm, the next day it’s cold. Right now it’s colder in my house than it is outside. I’m glad for it though. I’d be even more of a mess if there were no sunny days in the middle of winter.
Less than six months and the kids will be out of school again. Six months will fly by. We need to think about a vacation. I wish we had someone to go with us who would help with the girls but my in-laws would drive me insane. I don’t know what the answer is. Last year was fun but so exhausting. Looking for a beach that’s a little closer this year. I sort of miss the days when it was just me and Billy not that I don’t love my daughters but being with them so much is mentally draining. (Anyone who says it isn’t lies!) Life was so easy then and I didn’t even realize it. If I had someone I trusted completely who could handle it, I’d love to go on a long weekend without them but that idea is frightening, too. I’m sure I’d miss them.
It’s a rainy, overcast day. I’m sitting here looking out the same window I’ve been looking out for years. Listening to Adele sing “It isn’t over… never in my life will I find someone like you…”
I just brought in my second load of firewood. Got the house all nice and cozy. Audrey’s already napping because we lounged around here all morning and I guess she’s as bored as I am.
Washed dishes. Made soup. Cleaned the kitchen. Made some sausage balls. Decided I better not bake them all or I’ll eat them all so just made some for her and me and saved the rest of the mix for tonight. Read her some stories. Sold a chair on Craigslist. Chatted with Billy.
There’s an old friend of mine who is in a band and goes by the name of Lonesome now. It’s sort of a joke but he is. And I get that. I really do. Even though I spent the whole weekend in a crowded little house with three other people it was so incredibly lonely. I think winter gets to me and it wasn’t even that cold. Not enough sunlight? I don’t know but I don’t usually cry and lately I can cry over anything and everything. And I feel so alone. (Typing that I can hear an old therapist’s voice telling me feelings lie and that you should act the way you want to feel.)
I was tossing logs into the wheelbarrow and it occurred to me that it’s really my own damn fault. I could have taken Audrey to the gym today or even just for a walk. I chose not to. I could reach out to friends but I don’t. My husband loves me but I push him away, too. Wish I knew why.
Read an article about a local mother who is younger than I am (maybe less jaded because of youth?) but she lives this quiet, content, frugal little life. She is happy. She was the religious type though with a scripture verse scrawled on her window above her kitchen sink. Maybe telling yourself you’re doing every little thing for God helps you get through the day a little more happily. Who knows?
I know that I could just sit here in this house and not go out until the daffodils start blooming. But that feels very far away. Maybe my problem is just that I think too much. I wish there was an off switch.