As I wait for my precious Emma to arrive home, I quickly and efficiently clean up the mess in the kitchen and the living room. Cate has crashed out in her pink room and Audrey slumbers sweetly in her bouncy chair. In the time it takes to make a pot of Starbuck’s coffee grounds into fuel for me, I can empty the dishwasher and sink.

My thoughts are always flowing like a river. Always. I put the Dixie Chicks dvd back in the Netflix envelope and exit out the squeaky front door to stick it in the mailbox. Open that rusted old box and notice my dried up morning glory vines and remember putting the new post up and buying that black box that belongs to the U.S. government. It was just eight years ago. We put it up on Christmas Eve. We were a young couple with no children and nothing else to do.

I walk back to our little house and see all the things that need to be done: paint the door, paint the shutters, fix the foundation, crack in the sidewalk, hedges in need of trimming, really bad landscaping and a junker parked over in the land beside our house. My van could use some work and some cleaning. Billy’s old white truck sits and is only used to take trash to the dump down the road. Something is wrong with it. Something expensive.

Inside is no better. Carpet that needs to be replaced. Our hall bath needs a floor repair. Missing fixture covers to the hot and cold water in the bathtub. Ugh. It never ends.

I used to envy the people across the street. They had four children and I only wanted one. In less than six years, I’ve made three.

Someone tell me it’s going to be alright. What have I done? I sure don’t have it together like the lady that used to live in that yellow house with the four kids (now aged 21 down to 8). Her house ran like a machine. Everything in its place and she still had time for hobbies and baking scones. How did you do it, Sherri???

That family still comes back here on Halloween. Sherri told my husband to tell me to come see her. Bring the baby. I can’t. I’d cry. I feel like a failure 99% of the time.

Ten minutes and Emma gets off the bus. Pull it together, momma.

Ten years from now where will we be? I’ll have a 15 year old, 13 year old and a 10 year old. Will the house fall down around us? Will they be glad I stayed home with them? Or will they hate  me like I hated my mother who made different choices?

Coffee wakes me up and I have to suck this all back up inside and play pretend. Play house. This is what I wanted, right?

I have a couple of friends coming by this afternoon and consequently have felt the pull to clean like a mother fucker. I would much rather just veg though. My head hurts and my nerves are shot and I’m feeling a strong urge now to go kick my neighbor’s ass because he has been blowing leaves for what seems like hours and the sound is getting on my last nerve.

Billy’s playing with the girls but plans to vanish soon. Says he’s going into the woods to sleep where no one can find him.

Tomorrow is Monday and I think it will be a good day. I’m kind of grateful for school giving us some routine. It is easier when Emma’s not here as much as I love her and feel guilty saying that. I couldn’t homeschool.

My in-laws watched the girls for us Friday so we could work on the house. So much to do and it’s next to impossible to finish any task in just a few hours but a lot more gets done when they’re not here. ‘Course we kept Audrey so I could feed her. The thing that ruins my in-laws seemingly generous offer to watch the girls is MIL’s comments about my parenting. When we got there to pick them up it was the witching hour and they were tired. So of course they started acting crazy. It raises my blood pressure to hear my MIL say that they don’t act like that for her. They were little angels. Then she disciplines them IN FRONT OF ME as if I’m incapable and makes comments about how they’re acting “ugly”. I was livid when we left. I’m not asking her to watch them if I have to deal with that afterward. Fuck that. Not to mention they start to get way too comfortable and seem to think they have rights with my kids instead of asking me permission. That doesn’t fly.

My head is throbbing. I get so worked up and angry sometimes. It’s not worth it to ask for help if you’re going to feel bad afterward. I can do this. It was a brutal week having all three home last week and we have been sick and they’re still adjusting (as am I) to having a baby in the house.

Things will get better. I know they will.

Billy just found out a guy is coming to get his Suzuki Samurai next week so that will help with the money issue. We can pay off some hospital bills and have a small stash. Plus I don’t have to worry about the fact that I spent too much on groceries at Walmart yesterday. Ha!

I offered to pump and just get a part-time job somewhere but Billy says no. Says I need my rest which I do but you do what you gotta do sometimes.

We’ve discussed asking his parents for money but decided that is a bad idea because then they worry about us and think we can’t do this. It’s better to build a facade I think and not let them know when it’s really hard unless it’s an absolute emergency. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut more.

Ok, I’m going to fix some lunch and get ready for my friends’ arrival.

Best thanksgiving in years was had by our little family of seven (including the in-laws) yesterday. The food was delicious. It was very calm and relaxing. I loved it.

We deep fried a turkey this year. Billy and his dad sat outside doing it and they both seemed very happy. The girls colored and cut while we waited. Audrey slept.

Speaking of Audrey, she officially smiled a bunch of times last night. I didn’t get a picture but it was adorable and totally melted my heart.

I’m watching the news and they’re talking about all the Black Friday drama. So glad I’m not out there! They can have it. People are crazy.

Well we’re all still sick with colds or some sort of nasty crud. I thought mine was just sinus related but now the girls have it. Great, huh?

Billy’s working long hours this week until Thursday then he’ll be off for four days. We are going to try deep frying a turkey this year. I hope it’s good but really I’m thinking how could it be that bad? Bonus is I don’t have to wash a pan, right? I’m just making sweet potatoes and biscuits or maybe rolls I haven’t decided. MIL insists on making the rest. I say hey go for it, lady. I’m tired and run down and don’t care.

Emma’s out of school all this week. I was scared yesterday would be crazy but it wasn’t too bad. My FIL helped me take them to the doctor. I switched pediatricians to a nice young enthusiastic family doctor who was happy to see them. Got them both checked out and they got that H1N1 vaccine in the form of a mist. I was initially against it but I can’t afford for us all to get the flu. The office is still out of flu shots so only Cate has had that. Billy hasn’t had anything. I’m hoping we can get him in there soon to do the same thing. They might have the regular flu shot next week. They keep saying that. It’s a bit ridiculous.

I wish I could just relax and get rest but I’m constantly battling the mess of this house and the endless laundry. If my daughters have children some day the thing I’ll do to help them is their laundry. I will vividly remember just how hard it is when you have little kids, make that SICK little kids and you’re sick yourself and how all you can do is survive. I will help them someday. That’s a promise.

MIL’s sister is retired and has been as long as I’ve known her. She’s nothing like MIL. She’s strong, direct and sincere. She offered to watch the girls for me when I go for my six week ob check up. So helpful! She never had kids herself. Well, it’s a sad story actually. She got married very young to an abuser who made her lose the only baby she ever carried while she was pregnant and he was beating her. She stayed married to that jerk for 25 years. Can you imagine? Yeah. Well, she finally got away and then married a guy she had a good time traveling with and was happy but he died about six years ago unexpectedly. Now she lives alone in Billy’s grandfather’s house. His kids pushed her out of their house because they wanted to sell it and split the profits even though she could have lived there for the rest of her life. Really shitty people in my opinion but that’s another topic all together.

Ah, it appears Audrey has gone back to sleep and I think maybe Cate has, too. Everyone woke me up at 4 a.m. I’m so tired I’m starting to feel a bit crazy. I really need more rest than I’m getting because this sucks ass. I’ve got too much to do around here to go back to bed though. *yawn & sigh* Just two more days and then Billy will be here.

Suppose I should go to bed instead of staying up. It’s after midnight. I fell asleep in this chair earlier tonight and now I can’t sleep. Go fucking figure.

I’m coughing and hacking and not feeling any better. I went to the doctor on Tuesday but he didn’t help me any. Just said to ride it out basically. This means I’ll probably still feel like crap two weeks from now and have to go back again at which point he’ll decide it was an infection and prescribe antibiotics. How much ya wanna bet? Grrr.

Tomorrow morning I’m meeting with Emma’s teacher for our conference. Billy will be home but I’ll have to bring Audrey in case she gets hungry. You never know with her. I only have two tiny bags of milk in the freezer and she hasn’t had a bottle yet. Suppose I could leave her but I’m scared to do that.

I’m worried about Emma. She’s so moody and angry lately. I feel like I barely see her. She’s off all next week though. I would love to be able to do stuff with just her but I can’t because Billy will be working. The girls will fight and it will be a rough three days. Then he’s off for Thanksgiving for only the second year ever. This is because work is slow and his hours will be cut severely starting next week.

My stomach stays in knots about this. I even thought about going to apply for WIC. Briefly thought about this because I think I’d die of embarrassment and we’re not that bad off that we can’t buy our own milk and cheese.

MIL gave me a good chunk of money for these pictures I bought of the girls the other day. I lied to her about the amount though. She wanted to give us half but I felt bad taking her money. They were pricey but I haven’t done them professionally in several years. They were these antique sepia pictures. I’ll have to take a picture of one to post here. Can’t find the damn cord to my scanner.

I was thinking earlier today that when Audrey gets a bit older maybe I can do some sewing type crafty thing here from home and sell it either online or to locals. Not sure what I’d make yet. Oh, and I’ve been using those cloth diapers. It cuts down on expense. They’re not perfect but with the waterproof covers over them they keep her dry and clean and work just fine for around the house. I have more than enough of ‘em. So I could always make diapers, baby slings, mei tais (a fancy carrier) I guess or I could make curtains. People are picky though so I don’t know.

I am making Audrey a little soft cloth book for Christmas. I’m downsizing our gifts to the girls big time. Audrey won’t remember being two months old. I’m just going to get her stuff she needs. I got Emma a Fancy Nancy doll and I’m going to get her some more books to go with it and I’m not sure what else. Yesterday Cate said she wants Strawberry Shortcake toys but that girl’s mind changes with the wind so I’ll wait a bit I think.

We are having Thanksgiving dinner here next Thursday and the in-laws are gracing us with their presence now that the grandfather has passed on. This is a first. Billy wants to deep fry the turkey and MIL offered to make ALL of the fixings but her food sucks compared to mine so I’d rather she didn’t. I told her to do the mashed potatoes. You can’t fuck those up, right? She’s insisting on making a few other things but I’d like to make some food, too so she can’t pull the martyr card and bitch about her lazy DIL to her friends. Ha ha ha.

I really hope this day and this weekend is better than the past few days. I feel myself sinking and wanting to isolate myself but if I do it would be bad so I force myself out into the world. Times like this I really wish *I* had a mother. I mean I do, right, but she doesn’t count since she’s basically non-existant in my life and has been for six years.

On a happier note. . .

Eskimo kisses

Audrey had her one month check up yesterday – 10 lbs 2 oz now and she’s 22 inches. She’s grown 2 lbs and 2″ in just 5 short weeks. He said she’s healthy and doing great and no shots till next month. Woo hoo!

Billy and I watched this documentary the other day about Farmer John. He’s a guy who inherited his daddy’s farm and then lost a lot of the land and years later turned what was left of it into a CSA and started organic farming. It was really interesting. I think it was called The Real Dirt on Farmer Brown or something like that. It was pretty cool. In the 60’s, John’s farm was sort of taken over by a bunch of hippies and then in the 90’s it sort of happened again but this time to lucrative success.

I so would have been sucked into something like that. John was charismatic and inspired. Well, guess I shouldn’t say was. He’s still alive I think. The thing that touched me the most in the flick was how much he loved his mother and how kind he was to her when she spoke. It made me tear up a bit.

If Billy inherits some of that land down the road someday maybe we could run something like that. I’ve often thought about joining a CSA but it’s kind of a big commitment. I think you have to agree to pay $30 for about 18 weeks and then you get a box of locally grown veggies once a week. It sounds good in theory anyway.

I can see myself hosting large parties on the land where we all dance with our children and blast beautiful music from waterproof speakers. There’d be tents where all the food would be spread out for the masses and lots to drink as well. Billy would never go for something crazy like that.

Speaking of the man, we had such a good relaxing, reconnecting type of day yesterday. Went out around town and I picked out some good shoes for running/walking (Christmas gift though – that’s soon enough to start, right?) and I also got a good comfortable pair of casual shoes. I needed them desperately. I’ve been wearing crappy sneakers and on warm days, sandals that are stretched out and loose. I guess my feet must have been more swollen than I had thought and now they’ve gone back to normal b/c my shoes all fit differently now.

We went out to lunch at this Mexican place and it was calming to just sit there with him and Audrey and eat food I didn’t prepare. Emma and Cate were at my in-laws’ and they were so tired when we picked them up. FIL says Emma’s going to be an athlete. Apparently she loves to run and can jump the hay bales in the field. He also informed me that she likes to watch football and wants to deer hunt. I told him maybe with a toy gun. He says she’s going with him next year with a REAL gun. What the fuck ever old man, I wanted to say, like hell my daughter is going to play with guns and be the little redneck you want to make her into especially since she’ll only be six years old. *rolls eyes*

I have to think of something to fix for dinner. I suck at planning. I’m trying to do better though. I even bought a little calendar to keep in my bag since I keep forgetting things. I’m going to try and do more crockpot meals. That’s my plan anyway. Ha!

Audrey’s been asleep in this swing (it’s off) for awhile now. Maybe three hours? It’s weird. Oh, and I’m getting sick. I’ve got a sore throat and cough. Ugh. I should have napped while I had a chance. Instead I’ve been busting ass on the laundry and this house. I wouldn’t even be at all embarrassed if someone chose right now to pop in on us.

I have no time anymore. So tired. I update my Facebook status but this takes too long.

I don’t really have much to say. I’m just tired.

Today was fun though. I went out with my friend Dani and we just chatted up a storm. Went to Panera Bread and ate and talked and I enjoyed the conversation. It’s nice to be around an old friend you don’t see too often sometimes.

Time is going by so fast. Audrey was a month old yesterday. My brain feels fried from lack of sleep. If I could sleep for eight hours straight I think I’d be in heaven and completely restored.

Cate is sweet and lovable as all get out. She just adores her baby sister. Emma, on the other hand, seems to be a bit rough and I have to watch her. I’m not putting her to sleep in the crib in there till I know Emma won’t hurt her.

Billy and I fight over such stupid shit. It’s not even worth detailing.

His parents though are way more helpful than they used to be. MIL calls me to ask what she can do and FIL stops by frequently and even gave me a 20 spot (I tried to decline it but he insisted). Odd, huh? I don’t really want them to feel sorry for us though and I kind of feel like they do which sucks. It also makes me feel guilty as hell that they feel obligated to help us so much. She called tonight offering to take the girls but I told her no. We’re fine. We’ll go over there tomorrow for a little bit but my MIL works, ya know? I don’t want her to be complaining about me and going all martyr act like she does when she helps people she feels obligated to help.

Billy and I watched an interesting movie today about this Farmer John guy. That was nice. Cate watched a movie in her room and we had quiet for a little while. It was a good day.

Dinner’s almost ready and then I’m putting these kids to bed so I can just veg. All the days feel so long now and they just run together. . .

It’s after 3 a.m. and I’m wide awake. I got up with Audrey. She was sleeping on my chest and I had to pee. I put her in the cradle and she screams bloody murder and then I’m wide awake. Thought I’d just bring her in the living room to nurse her in the comfy chair.

Poor Billy lying on the edge of his side of the bed. I know he’s uncomfortable. I know he’s not sleeping well these days either. We got this letter in the mail yesterday from his company talking about COBRA benefits. I got so scared when I saw that. I pictured Billy got fired from his job and hadn’t told me yet or got laid off and was driving around all day trying to figure out what we’d do.

That’s not the case though. He’s still employed but lay offs are always a fear. My optimistic side says maybe it would be for the best. Maybe we could move away from here if we could sell this house. Maybe we could start over. Then I remember I have three kids now and we’d have no family around to help at all if we moved. Yeah.

Billy’s started to eat out of being nervous he says. I can see he’s gaining weight. He says it’s that or drink – which is worse? I don’t know. I just want to cry. Money problems stress me out, too. I figure I’m saving some money breastfeeding the baby and watching what I spend. Billy’s parents tell me to ask them if we need money. They’d help us. I can’t ask them. Pride, you know? I would if it were really bad I guess but it’s not. We’re not hungry. It’s just hard.

Audrey is sleeping in this brown bouncy seat thing here and I watch her. She looks content with her little fists beside her head. So sweet. I love her so much. . . and Emma. . . and Cate. I feel like I’m being split into fourths. I try to make time to talk to Billy, to read to Emma and work with her on her letters, to make Cate feel loved – taking her outside or to the park, reading to her, feeding Audrey or changing her when she cries. I think this is really hard. Sometimes I feel a bit unglued. I cry over nothing. Sometimes I wish I had a mother to cry to but I don’t – my choice, right?

I wanted to start walking this trail today. It’s almost four miles and I thought if I did that a few times a week it would cheer me up a bit and make me feel like I’m doing something. Years ago when I lost a lot of weight during a major depression one thing that helped was walking. Thought I’d try that again.

Yesterday we went to the park – Cate, Audrey and I. It was in the 40’s and cold. What was I thinking? I didn’t realize how cold it was till we got there. Cate had fun. I got to chat with friends. It was nice. There were no bathrooms though and I felt blood pouring out of me. We had to go. Yuck. Went to the library and took care of matters and then nursed the baby while Cate looked at books. I was glad I had packed our lunch. I didn’t spend a dime yesterday and we had a nice morning out.

Speaking of Cate . . . now she’s up, too. Baby’s crying. Here we go again. . .

The sun is shining. The birds are singing. I’m glad to have turned the clocks back so now it’s not so dark in the morning. I’m trying hard to get the hang of this two kids and a newborn thing. I tell myself over and over “I am patient, I am kind, I am a good mother” hoping that if I tell myself that enough it will be true. Billy says it is. (Mega brownie points earned on his part with that one!)

I’m slightly less tired. I was inspired to try the cloth diapers I made. Well, three weeks ago they all seemed huge but little Audrey is eating and growing like a champ and now quite a few of the diapers I made are already too small. I should have made the tabs bigger. I’m thinking one day I’ll have time to fix them. Ha! I’m such an optimist, right?

Audrey is so sweet. I just love her to pieces. She’s getting some little fat rolls and it’s the sweetest thing. When she falls asleep after nursing, I just hold her and stare in awe. Total adoration for this perfect little being we made. I feel really blessed/lucky/whatever you want to call it to have these sweet girls – all three of ‘em.

I really miss Emma when she’s at school. Today report cards are coming home and I’m dreading it. I already know she’s not doing so well and that she is needing extra help. I take it too personally I know but I feel like a failure for not having her more ready for kindergarten. I thought my friend Dani was crazy when she said they really need to be reading *before* starting kindergarten. She wasn’t. I should have put her in five day a week preschool. I should have tried to get her in through the school system’s free preschool but I didn’t. Lots of regrets. I’m hoping she’s going to catch on and everything will magically be just fine.

It’s stressful and I really hate school. I thought I’d go to all the PTA meetings but after that first one I was so over it. Now I know why my friend who is on the board for the PTA said that hardly anyone attends. They suck to be quite blunt.

Ugh. Cate is so stinkin’ smart. She just found the stash of Halloween candy. Funny how she knew. Man, this kid is like my clone or something. I watch her and it’s like looking in the mirror. Bless her little heart. It’s going to be a hard road.

Audrey’s crying. Rambling session over.

Just got Emma on the bus and I’m chilling here with Cate while she happily watches some Sesame Street. Audrey fell asleep when I fed her and everyone has been in a happy mood so far this morning. I’m tired.

I really should take some pictures today. I’ve been slacking. Ha ha!

My friend Laura is coming over today for a little while. She won’t stay long. Her little boy and Cate don’t get along that well but I really like her. She’s easy to be around.

Yesterday I took Audrey to visit Mary, my old friend who used to babysit Emma. She ate her up and suggested I go back to work and let her keep her. So funny! We actually could use the money but I have no desire to leave my kid there. I like staying home. Billy’s work is stressing him out. They are bringing in contractors to do some of the maintenance type jobs his department normally does. They are shutting down the mill later this month to work on a big project and that means less pay for Billy and even less hours. It is very stressful. I wish he’d go get a second job to help us out. I’m constantly trying not to think about what I did to this family. I know it’s my fault since I’m the one who wanted three kids. Such a mess! I love her to pieces though and am glad I did it. It’s just going to be hard for awhile.

I’d give anything to skip over Christmas and just wake up in January. Things will be better by then, they always are and I really don’t like Christmas at all. It’s such a fake, materialistic time of the year. It doesn’t make me happy and it’s always stressful. Now even more so. Billy saves year round so we have a Christmas fund but we could use it for basic living expenses more this year than gifts. I’m skimping big time and getting the girls just one or two gifts each and cutting back on what we buy the in-laws. Billy says he doesn’t want anything but I’m going to get him something small from the girls and pick out something small for me, too. I have no idea where we’ll stick the tree. Our living room is full and it’s going to be so crowded.

This Friday is my FIL’s birthday. We’re having dinner here for him but my MIL is bringing me the groceries. I didn’t tell her to do that but she insists. I’m making him a carrot cake though and we contributed towards the big gift MIL got for him. It’s an old fashioned radio that plays records, cassettes and CDs. FIL found all these old records in his father’s house and it will be nice for them to be able to play them. I think he’ll like it.

Then Saturday is Halloween, right? Emma’s going to be Tinkerbell. We already have the costume and shoes. I just need tights. I ordered wings and hope they get here before Saturday. She has changed her mind a million times. She had previously wanted to be a witch which I thought would be easy since all I needed was black clothes, striped socks and the hat. Oh, well. Cate says she wants to be a pink ballerina and I know I have a dress up ballerina outfit somewhere around here I just need to find it. Easy enough. We’ll probably just hit the neighborhood. My ILs always come over and give out candy for us while we take the girls so they can watch Miss Audrey for a few minutes. I’d love to take them to the trunk or treat at the church where we’ve been going but I think it may just be a huge hassle so I’m going to skip it.

I usually love Halloween but this year I’m lacking enthusiasm for that holiday, too. You know what I really want? Just to be left alone and not have to deal with people at all. I’m so ungrateful. My friend Dani has been bugging the shit out of me to come visit and I finally caved and told her to come this past Monday but I really didn’t want her to bother. Isn’t that awful? I have more friends now than I did years ago and yet most of the time I don’t want to talk to anyone in real life. I just want to hide. Maybe I’m becoming an introvert like Billy.