It’s after 3 a.m. and I’m wide awake. I got up with Audrey. She was sleeping on my chest and I had to pee. I put her in the cradle and she screams bloody murder and then I’m wide awake. Thought I’d just bring her in the living room to nurse her in the comfy chair.
Poor Billy lying on the edge of his side of the bed. I know he’s uncomfortable. I know he’s not sleeping well these days either. We got this letter in the mail yesterday from his company talking about COBRA benefits. I got so scared when I saw that. I pictured Billy got fired from his job and hadn’t told me yet or got laid off and was driving around all day trying to figure out what we’d do.
That’s not the case though. He’s still employed but lay offs are always a fear. My optimistic side says maybe it would be for the best. Maybe we could move away from here if we could sell this house. Maybe we could start over. Then I remember I have three kids now and we’d have no family around to help at all if we moved. Yeah.
Billy’s started to eat out of being nervous he says. I can see he’s gaining weight. He says it’s that or drink – which is worse? I don’t know. I just want to cry. Money problems stress me out, too. I figure I’m saving some money breastfeeding the baby and watching what I spend. Billy’s parents tell me to ask them if we need money. They’d help us. I can’t ask them. Pride, you know? I would if it were really bad I guess but it’s not. We’re not hungry. It’s just hard.
Audrey is sleeping in this brown bouncy seat thing here and I watch her. She looks content with her little fists beside her head. So sweet. I love her so much. . . and Emma. . . and Cate. I feel like I’m being split into fourths. I try to make time to talk to Billy, to read to Emma and work with her on her letters, to make Cate feel loved – taking her outside or to the park, reading to her, feeding Audrey or changing her when she cries. I think this is really hard. Sometimes I feel a bit unglued. I cry over nothing. Sometimes I wish I had a mother to cry to but I don’t – my choice, right?
I wanted to start walking this trail today. It’s almost four miles and I thought if I did that a few times a week it would cheer me up a bit and make me feel like I’m doing something. Years ago when I lost a lot of weight during a major depression one thing that helped was walking. Thought I’d try that again.
Yesterday we went to the park – Cate, Audrey and I. It was in the 40’s and cold. What was I thinking? I didn’t realize how cold it was till we got there. Cate had fun. I got to chat with friends. It was nice. There were no bathrooms though and I felt blood pouring out of me. We had to go. Yuck. Went to the library and took care of matters and then nursed the baby while Cate looked at books. I was glad I had packed our lunch. I didn’t spend a dime yesterday and we had a nice morning out.
Speaking of Cate . . . now she’s up, too. Baby’s crying. Here we go again. . .
Times are tough! I myself am looking around at different professions. Good luck with all that…I know everything will turn out OK.
No offense, Elisa, because you know I adore you and think you are an awesome mom, but why don’t you just bite the bullet and get a job? I mean, after the 6-8 weeks is over. I know you want to stay home, but sometimes it’s just not logical…I know it wasn’t in my case either. I was lucky enough to be able to stay home with one child, but I worked full time with one and had to go back to work when my youngest was 2. It really would make things much easier on your family and hubby.
Please don’t hate me or get mad. I just think it might really solve some of your problems.
xoxoxoxo, Amy
(((Hugs))) Elisa. I remember this time too, 3 kids is hard. But this too shall pass. I know it’s easier to say that, but it will. Audrey will get older and it will get easier with the kid thing.
If I had to work, I’d have to pay someone to keep Audrey & Cate. It wouldn’t be cost effective. I’m also not feeding my baby formula. It’s tight and it’s hard but it’s not so bad that we’re ready to go on welfare or anything, ya know? I am hoping things will improve soon instead of getting worse.
Elisa, Gal, you are not just saving the money on formula but providing your infant with great values of immunity — and this is flu season.
Maybe you will have to take on a job; if things get so strapped. But, though it is hard, you are very frugal. Your daughters are not wanting for anything. You have been super with beating a budget since I started reading you over a year ago or longer.
And, especially in today’s society, all that you can give your girls while you can is worth more than a dime over a penny in the pocket. And, I know, if you earn a dime – a nickel or more will go to the child care…
No offense to anyone who hasn’t nursed or who has to work and leave their children with childcare. None at all. We all have to make decisions and choices that fit our needs.
I just want you to know (Elisa) that I respect and understand your position. And, I’ve been on both sides of working and staying home pre-children and post children.
When exhausted a person will worry more, stress more, and ‘what if’ more. Just keep doing what you are doing because it sounds like you are doing it all wonderfully.
And, it sounds like Billy is doing the same… Taking it one day and one side of the bed at a time….
Heads up and hug those beauties…. And, don’t forget to get those zzzzzs when you can.
Sounds like you’re doing what you can and not spending when you can’t. I hope things improve for you and your family soon Elisa. ((hugs))
Hugs sweetie. I know it’s hard now but I’m sure it will get better. It always does