Bitching & Moaning

Just got Emma on the bus and I’m chilling here with Cate while she happily watches some Sesame Street. Audrey fell asleep when I fed her and everyone has been in a happy mood so far this morning. I’m tired.

I really should take some pictures today. I’ve been slacking. Ha ha!

My friend Laura is coming over today for a little while. She won’t stay long. Her little boy and Cate don’t get along that well but I really like her. She’s easy to be around.

Yesterday I took Audrey to visit Mary, my old friend who used to babysit Emma. She ate her up and suggested I go back to work and let her keep her. So funny! We actually could use the money but I have no desire to leave my kid there. I like staying home. Billy’s work is stressing him out. They are bringing in contractors to do some of the maintenance type jobs his department normally does. They are shutting down the mill later this month to work on a big project and that means less pay for Billy and even less hours. It is very stressful. I wish he’d go get a second job to help us out. I’m constantly trying not to think about what I did to this family. I know it’s my fault since I’m the one who wanted three kids. Such a mess! I love her to pieces though and am glad I did it. It’s just going to be hard for awhile.

I’d give anything to skip over Christmas and just wake up in January. Things will be better by then, they always are and I really don’t like Christmas at all. It’s such a fake, materialistic time of the year. It doesn’t make me happy and it’s always stressful. Now even more so. Billy saves year round so we have a Christmas fund but we could use it for basic living expenses more this year than gifts. I’m skimping big time and getting the girls just one or two gifts each and cutting back on what we buy the in-laws. Billy says he doesn’t want anything but I’m going to get him something small from the girls and pick out something small for me, too. I have no idea where we’ll stick the tree. Our living room is full and it’s going to be so crowded.

This Friday is my FIL’s birthday. We’re having dinner here for him but my MIL is bringing me the groceries. I didn’t tell her to do that but she insists. I’m making him a carrot cake though and we contributed towards the big gift MIL got for him. It’s an old fashioned radio that plays records, cassettes and CDs. FIL found all these old records in his father’s house and it will be nice for them to be able to play them. I think he’ll like it.

Then Saturday is Halloween, right? Emma’s going to be Tinkerbell. We already have the costume and shoes. I just need tights. I ordered wings and hope they get here before Saturday. She has changed her mind a million times. She had previously wanted to be a witch which I thought would be easy since all I needed was black clothes, striped socks and the hat. Oh, well. Cate says she wants to be a pink ballerina and I know I have a dress up ballerina outfit somewhere around here I just need to find it. Easy enough. We’ll probably just hit the neighborhood. My ILs always come over and give out candy for us while we take the girls so they can watch Miss Audrey for a few minutes. I’d love to take them to the trunk or treat at the church where we’ve been going but I think it may just be a huge hassle so I’m going to skip it.

I usually love Halloween but this year I’m lacking enthusiasm for that holiday, too. You know what I really want? Just to be left alone and not have to deal with people at all. I’m so ungrateful. My friend Dani has been bugging the shit out of me to come visit and I finally caved and told her to come this past Monday but I really didn’t want her to bother. Isn’t that awful? I have more friends now than I did years ago and yet most of the time I don’t want to talk to anyone in real life. I just want to hide. Maybe I’m becoming an introvert like Billy.