Crazy Dreams

I sure wish I knew what this meant! I woke up and jotted this all down really fast so I wouldn’t forget. Details always fade as the day goes on.

Here are the dreams:

I am running in the misty rain. It’s New Year’s Eve, it’s dark and I know this. I’m downtown. I’m coming up the hill by Emma’s preschool. Suddenly there’s a young black guy next to me. He’s also running. He speaks to me but I’m scared. I tell him I’m headed to my family’s house. This is a lie. My family lives no where near this area. They are having a party I tell him. Everyone in the area is having a party but my family isn’t there. I’m younger than I am now in my dream. I am so nervous and scared. I just want to lose this guy.

I lead him towards the door of a house. There’s a party inside and people. I don’t go in but I can see through his eyes as he enters. It’s a nice house. It’s a historic district and the woman who owns it has it decorated with lots of country and antique style things. There’s a little nook on the side that is heated and has a bed and is decorated very feminine. The TV is on and a movie is playing. I recognize the movie but I’ve already forgotten what it was.

The black guy stays and eats their food and hangs out with them like he belongs. He falls asleep there. I start to run home. I see people waking up. It’s now daylight and all the party people from the night are waking up on the streets. It’s like 7:30. I feel guilty about the guy so I go back to check on him. I admit to the home owner that I lied and told him they were my family. She shows me his shoes. They are huge and expensive. I suddenly realize he was harmless. He’s probably just some high school kid that runs track. I run with his shoes in my arms. Then I feel guilty and turn around and bring him his shoes. He looks so hurt. He just asks me simply, “why?” and the dream fades to black like some sort of film.

Then I’m at a daycare. I am picking up Emma. She is a toddler at first. I see Tracy – this girl who hates me in real life. We were friends once but had a falling out three years ago and now she is crazy in her hatred. Not too long ago she sent me about 30 e-mails detailing her hatred and anger toward me (really! That isn’t part of the dream.)  Her son is there. She is thin – very thin! I try to avoid her eye contact but she speaks to me. She tells me she has been in jail for the last 5 months because of me. I am so scared. She takes her son and leaves. I hold Emma’s hand and tell the teacher in the room that this girl has it out for me and explain the situation.

I see her again. She tells me it is not against her parole if she hits me while wearing sunglasses. I notice she has about 5 pairs. She starts speaking Spanish. She learned it while in jail. I am really shaking. I have no idea what she is saying.

Emma is suddenly older but not a teenager just more the age she is now and verbal. She tells me that boy is her boyfriend. I ask her who she means and she meant Tracy’s son. He is bigger and older. She tells me he has touched her and she is his now. I am freaking out.

I am suddenly seeing through Tracy’s eyes. She no longer owns a car. She is catching a cab. The cab driver is a man from a foreign country. He has murder in his eyes. I see her get in the cab and it goes away.

I am awake.

What a horrible couple of dreams! I totally blame the fact that I ate before bed while reading The Shack. Yesterday wasn’t the greatest day. We went out for breakfast and Billy was in such a foul and negative mood that it sucked most of the joy out of the experience. Then we came home and he worked outside in the heat. I left him dinner in the crockpot and met an old friend of mine out for pedicures, shopping and then Panera Bread.

When I got home he was on the computer and would barely speak to me. I asked him for the computer for a little while (we have to share for a few weeks because the other one is being repaired) and he bitched at me that he’d only been on it for 10 minutes. He told me no but I insisted. He was being such an asshole. I hate how his bad attitude permeates the air in here and affects my mood. I try not to let it but it does. I’ll be glad when Sunday gets here and he goes back to work.

I feel like sometimes we can’t be normal around him. He’s annoyed if the kids’ toys are out. He can’t stand the mess. He doesn’t say anything nice to me. It’s like his expectations for the girls’ behavior are unrealistic. Cate was under the table at breakfast yesterday and he was livid. I’m sorry but she is three and sometimes kids do stuff you just don’t like. I hate to make a battle out of every single thing.

He gets to sleep in every single morning that he’s off from work. I never do. Partly that is my fault because I wake up early and my sleep isn’t as deep as his. I hear Cate and it wakes me.

I felt guilty spending his money on a pedicure last night but decided to do it anyway. He told me not too long ago he didn’t care if I did that once a month but he always says things like that and then when it comes down to it he plays these passive aggressive games like his mother does. I can feel that he doesn’t want me to go. It pulls at me and takes some of the enjoyment of the fun experience away.

Today is going to be a long one. Ugh. I want to run away.