Sick Sick Sick

Suppose I should go to bed instead of staying up. It’s after midnight. I fell asleep in this chair earlier tonight and now I can’t sleep. Go fucking figure.

I’m coughing and hacking and not feeling any better. I went to the doctor on Tuesday but he didn’t help me any. Just said to ride it out basically. This means I’ll probably still feel like crap two weeks from now and have to go back again at which point he’ll decide it was an infection and prescribe antibiotics. How much ya wanna bet? Grrr.

Tomorrow morning I’m meeting with Emma’s teacher for our conference. Billy will be home but I’ll have to bring Audrey in case she gets hungry. You never know with her. I only have two tiny bags of milk in the freezer and she hasn’t had a bottle yet. Suppose I could leave her but I’m scared to do that.

I’m worried about Emma. She’s so moody and angry lately. I feel like I barely see her. She’s off all next week though. I would love to be able to do stuff with just her but I can’t because Billy will be working. The girls will fight and it will be a rough three days. Then he’s off for Thanksgiving for only the second year ever. This is because work is slow and his hours will be cut severely starting next week.

My stomach stays in knots about this. I even thought about going to apply for WIC. Briefly thought about this because I think I’d die of embarrassment and we’re not that bad off that we can’t buy our own milk and cheese.

MIL gave me a good chunk of money for these pictures I bought of the girls the other day. I lied to her about the amount though. She wanted to give us half but I felt bad taking her money. They were pricey but I haven’t done them professionally in several years. They were these antique sepia pictures. I’ll have to take a picture of one to post here. Can’t find the damn cord to my scanner.

I was thinking earlier today that when Audrey gets a bit older maybe I can do some sewing type crafty thing here from home and sell it either online or to locals. Not sure what I’d make yet. Oh, and I’ve been using those cloth diapers. It cuts down on expense. They’re not perfect but with the waterproof covers over them they keep her dry and clean and work just fine for around the house. I have more than enough of ‘em. So I could always make diapers, baby slings, mei tais (a fancy carrier) I guess or I could make curtains. People are picky though so I don’t know.

I am making Audrey a little soft cloth book for Christmas. I’m downsizing our gifts to the girls big time. Audrey won’t remember being two months old. I’m just going to get her stuff she needs. I got Emma a Fancy Nancy doll and I’m going to get her some more books to go with it and I’m not sure what else. Yesterday Cate said she wants Strawberry Shortcake toys but that girl’s mind changes with the wind so I’ll wait a bit I think.

We are having Thanksgiving dinner here next Thursday and the in-laws are gracing us with their presence now that the grandfather has passed on. This is a first. Billy wants to deep fry the turkey and MIL offered to make ALL of the fixings but her food sucks compared to mine so I’d rather she didn’t. I told her to do the mashed potatoes. You can’t fuck those up, right? She’s insisting on making a few other things but I’d like to make some food, too so she can’t pull the martyr card and bitch about her lazy DIL to her friends. Ha ha ha.

I really hope this day and this weekend is better than the past few days. I feel myself sinking and wanting to isolate myself but if I do it would be bad so I force myself out into the world. Times like this I really wish *I* had a mother. I mean I do, right, but she doesn’t count since she’s basically non-existant in my life and has been for six years.

On a happier note. . .

Eskimo kisses

Audrey had her one month check up yesterday – 10 lbs 2 oz now and she’s 22 inches. She’s grown 2 lbs and 2″ in just 5 short weeks. He said she’s healthy and doing great and no shots till next month. Woo hoo!

Hippies & Other Nonsense

Billy and I watched this documentary the other day about Farmer John. He’s a guy who inherited his daddy’s farm and then lost a lot of the land and years later turned what was left of it into a CSA and started organic farming. It was really interesting. I think it was called The Real Dirt on Farmer Brown or something like that. It was pretty cool. In the 60’s, John’s farm was sort of taken over by a bunch of hippies and then in the 90’s it sort of happened again but this time to lucrative success.

I so would have been sucked into something like that. John was charismatic and inspired. Well, guess I shouldn’t say was. He’s still alive I think. The thing that touched me the most in the flick was how much he loved his mother and how kind he was to her when she spoke. It made me tear up a bit.

If Billy inherits some of that land down the road someday maybe we could run something like that. I’ve often thought about joining a CSA but it’s kind of a big commitment. I think you have to agree to pay $30 for about 18 weeks and then you get a box of locally grown veggies once a week. It sounds good in theory anyway.

I can see myself hosting large parties on the land where we all dance with our children and blast beautiful music from waterproof speakers. There’d be tents where all the food would be spread out for the masses and lots to drink as well. Billy would never go for something crazy like that.

Speaking of the man, we had such a good relaxing, reconnecting type of day yesterday. Went out around town and I picked out some good shoes for running/walking (Christmas gift though – that’s soon enough to start, right?) and I also got a good comfortable pair of casual shoes. I needed them desperately. I’ve been wearing crappy sneakers and on warm days, sandals that are stretched out and loose. I guess my feet must have been more swollen than I had thought and now they’ve gone back to normal b/c my shoes all fit differently now.

We went out to lunch at this Mexican place and it was calming to just sit there with him and Audrey and eat food I didn’t prepare. Emma and Cate were at my in-laws’ and they were so tired when we picked them up. FIL says Emma’s going to be an athlete. Apparently she loves to run and can jump the hay bales in the field. He also informed me that she likes to watch football and wants to deer hunt. I told him maybe with a toy gun. He says she’s going with him next year with a REAL gun. What the fuck ever old man, I wanted to say, like hell my daughter is going to play with guns and be the little redneck you want to make her into especially since she’ll only be six years old. *rolls eyes*

I have to think of something to fix for dinner. I suck at planning. I’m trying to do better though. I even bought a little calendar to keep in my bag since I keep forgetting things. I’m going to try and do more crockpot meals. That’s my plan anyway. Ha!

Audrey’s been asleep in this swing (it’s off) for awhile now. Maybe three hours? It’s weird. Oh, and I’m getting sick. I’ve got a sore throat and cough. Ugh. I should have napped while I had a chance. Instead I’ve been busting ass on the laundry and this house. I wouldn’t even be at all embarrassed if someone chose right now to pop in on us.

Quick Update

I have no time anymore. So tired. I update my Facebook status but this takes too long.

I don’t really have much to say. I’m just tired.

Today was fun though. I went out with my friend Dani and we just chatted up a storm. Went to Panera Bread and ate and talked and I enjoyed the conversation. It’s nice to be around an old friend you don’t see too often sometimes.

Time is going by so fast. Audrey was a month old yesterday. My brain feels fried from lack of sleep. If I could sleep for eight hours straight I think I’d be in heaven and completely restored.

Cate is sweet and lovable as all get out. She just adores her baby sister. Emma, on the other hand, seems to be a bit rough and I have to watch her. I’m not putting her to sleep in the crib in there till I know Emma won’t hurt her.

Billy and I fight over such stupid shit. It’s not even worth detailing.

His parents though are way more helpful than they used to be. MIL calls me to ask what she can do and FIL stops by frequently and even gave me a 20 spot (I tried to decline it but he insisted). Odd, huh? I don’t really want them to feel sorry for us though and I kind of feel like they do which sucks. It also makes me feel guilty as hell that they feel obligated to help us so much. She called tonight offering to take the girls but I told her no. We’re fine. We’ll go over there tomorrow for a little bit but my MIL works, ya know? I don’t want her to be complaining about me and going all martyr act like she does when she helps people she feels obligated to help.

Billy and I watched an interesting movie today about this Farmer John guy. That was nice. Cate watched a movie in her room and we had quiet for a little while. It was a good day.

Dinner’s almost ready and then I’m putting these kids to bed so I can just veg. All the days feel so long now and they just run together. . .

Up Way Too Early

It’s after 3 a.m. and I’m wide awake. I got up with Audrey. She was sleeping on my chest and I had to pee. I put her in the cradle and she screams bloody murder and then I’m wide awake. Thought I’d just bring her in the living room to nurse her in the comfy chair.

Poor Billy lying on the edge of his side of the bed. I know he’s uncomfortable. I know he’s not sleeping well these days either. We got this letter in the mail yesterday from his company talking about COBRA benefits. I got so scared when I saw that. I pictured Billy got fired from his job and hadn’t told me yet or got laid off and was driving around all day trying to figure out what we’d do.

That’s not the case though. He’s still employed but lay offs are always a fear. My optimistic side says maybe it would be for the best. Maybe we could move away from here if we could sell this house. Maybe we could start over. Then I remember I have three kids now and we’d have no family around to help at all if we moved. Yeah.

Billy’s started to eat out of being nervous he says. I can see he’s gaining weight. He says it’s that or drink – which is worse? I don’t know. I just want to cry. Money problems stress me out, too. I figure I’m saving some money breastfeeding the baby and watching what I spend. Billy’s parents tell me to ask them if we need money. They’d help us. I can’t ask them. Pride, you know? I would if it were really bad I guess but it’s not. We’re not hungry. It’s just hard.

Audrey is sleeping in this brown bouncy seat thing here and I watch her. She looks content with her little fists beside her head. So sweet. I love her so much. . . and Emma. . . and Cate. I feel like I’m being split into fourths. I try to make time to talk to Billy, to read to Emma and work with her on her letters, to make Cate feel loved – taking her outside or to the park, reading to her, feeding Audrey or changing her when she cries. I think this is really hard. Sometimes I feel a bit unglued. I cry over nothing. Sometimes I wish I had a mother to cry to but I don’t – my choice, right?

I wanted to start walking this trail today. It’s almost four miles and I thought if I did that a few times a week it would cheer me up a bit and make me feel like I’m doing something. Years ago when I lost a lot of weight during a major depression one thing that helped was walking. Thought I’d try that again.

Yesterday we went to the park – Cate, Audrey and I. It was in the 40’s and cold. What was I thinking? I didn’t realize how cold it was till we got there. Cate had fun. I got to chat with friends. It was nice. There were no bathrooms though and I felt blood pouring out of me. We had to go. Yuck. Went to the library and took care of matters and then nursed the baby while Cate looked at books. I was glad I had packed our lunch. I didn’t spend a dime yesterday and we had a nice morning out.

Speaking of Cate . . . now she’s up, too. Baby’s crying. Here we go again. . .

A Beautiful Day

The sun is shining. The birds are singing. I’m glad to have turned the clocks back so now it’s not so dark in the morning. I’m trying hard to get the hang of this two kids and a newborn thing. I tell myself over and over “I am patient, I am kind, I am a good mother” hoping that if I tell myself that enough it will be true. Billy says it is. (Mega brownie points earned on his part with that one!)

I’m slightly less tired. I was inspired to try the cloth diapers I made. Well, three weeks ago they all seemed huge but little Audrey is eating and growing like a champ and now quite a few of the diapers I made are already too small. I should have made the tabs bigger. I’m thinking one day I’ll have time to fix them. Ha! I’m such an optimist, right?

Audrey is so sweet. I just love her to pieces. She’s getting some little fat rolls and it’s the sweetest thing. When she falls asleep after nursing, I just hold her and stare in awe. Total adoration for this perfect little being we made. I feel really blessed/lucky/whatever you want to call it to have these sweet girls – all three of ‘em.

I really miss Emma when she’s at school. Today report cards are coming home and I’m dreading it. I already know she’s not doing so well and that she is needing extra help. I take it too personally I know but I feel like a failure for not having her more ready for kindergarten. I thought my friend Dani was crazy when she said they really need to be reading *before* starting kindergarten. She wasn’t. I should have put her in five day a week preschool. I should have tried to get her in through the school system’s free preschool but I didn’t. Lots of regrets. I’m hoping she’s going to catch on and everything will magically be just fine.

It’s stressful and I really hate school. I thought I’d go to all the PTA meetings but after that first one I was so over it. Now I know why my friend who is on the board for the PTA said that hardly anyone attends. They suck to be quite blunt.

Ugh. Cate is so stinkin’ smart. She just found the stash of Halloween candy. Funny how she knew. Man, this kid is like my clone or something. I watch her and it’s like looking in the mirror. Bless her little heart. It’s going to be a hard road.

Audrey’s crying. Rambling session over.

Bitching & Moaning

Just got Emma on the bus and I’m chilling here with Cate while she happily watches some Sesame Street. Audrey fell asleep when I fed her and everyone has been in a happy mood so far this morning. I’m tired.

I really should take some pictures today. I’ve been slacking. Ha ha!

My friend Laura is coming over today for a little while. She won’t stay long. Her little boy and Cate don’t get along that well but I really like her. She’s easy to be around.

Yesterday I took Audrey to visit Mary, my old friend who used to babysit Emma. She ate her up and suggested I go back to work and let her keep her. So funny! We actually could use the money but I have no desire to leave my kid there. I like staying home. Billy’s work is stressing him out. They are bringing in contractors to do some of the maintenance type jobs his department normally does. They are shutting down the mill later this month to work on a big project and that means less pay for Billy and even less hours. It is very stressful. I wish he’d go get a second job to help us out. I’m constantly trying not to think about what I did to this family. I know it’s my fault since I’m the one who wanted three kids. Such a mess! I love her to pieces though and am glad I did it. It’s just going to be hard for awhile.

I’d give anything to skip over Christmas and just wake up in January. Things will be better by then, they always are and I really don’t like Christmas at all. It’s such a fake, materialistic time of the year. It doesn’t make me happy and it’s always stressful. Now even more so. Billy saves year round so we have a Christmas fund but we could use it for basic living expenses more this year than gifts. I’m skimping big time and getting the girls just one or two gifts each and cutting back on what we buy the in-laws. Billy says he doesn’t want anything but I’m going to get him something small from the girls and pick out something small for me, too. I have no idea where we’ll stick the tree. Our living room is full and it’s going to be so crowded.

This Friday is my FIL’s birthday. We’re having dinner here for him but my MIL is bringing me the groceries. I didn’t tell her to do that but she insists. I’m making him a carrot cake though and we contributed towards the big gift MIL got for him. It’s an old fashioned radio that plays records, cassettes and CDs. FIL found all these old records in his father’s house and it will be nice for them to be able to play them. I think he’ll like it.

Then Saturday is Halloween, right? Emma’s going to be Tinkerbell. We already have the costume and shoes. I just need tights. I ordered wings and hope they get here before Saturday. She has changed her mind a million times. She had previously wanted to be a witch which I thought would be easy since all I needed was black clothes, striped socks and the hat. Oh, well. Cate says she wants to be a pink ballerina and I know I have a dress up ballerina outfit somewhere around here I just need to find it. Easy enough. We’ll probably just hit the neighborhood. My ILs always come over and give out candy for us while we take the girls so they can watch Miss Audrey for a few minutes. I’d love to take them to the trunk or treat at the church where we’ve been going but I think it may just be a huge hassle so I’m going to skip it.

I usually love Halloween but this year I’m lacking enthusiasm for that holiday, too. You know what I really want? Just to be left alone and not have to deal with people at all. I’m so ungrateful. My friend Dani has been bugging the shit out of me to come visit and I finally caved and told her to come this past Monday but I really didn’t want her to bother. Isn’t that awful? I have more friends now than I did years ago and yet most of the time I don’t want to talk to anyone in real life. I just want to hide. Maybe I’m becoming an introvert like Billy.

Oh, What Was I Thinking?

Not that I regret having Audrey but good Lord! I look like hell. I feel even worse. I’m so tired and drained. Trying to get Emma up and ready for school was seriously challenging this morning in between nursing the baby and Cate wanting to snuggle. Both Cate and I are sick with colds. Great, huh? At least it’s not the swine flu (I don’t think). Just have a bad sinus headache and a really runny nose and a consequently sore throat from the drainage. Blech.

I got up super early with the screaming, hungry baby. Thought I had her satisfied so I started to make some banana/blueberry muffins with the six rotting bananas that were on our counter. Usually this is an EASY recipe but Audrey kept screaming so it took me about 10 times as long. I made 27 muffins. Doubled the recipe and then still had enough to fill three ramekin cups. They are delicious. Emma and Cate loved them and it was an easy breakfast. So that was worth doing.

I played lullabies on my laptop for Audrey and put her in the swing. That didn’t work. Moved her to the bouncy seat. Nope. Put her in her carseat. Oh, hell no! Took her to Billy and within five minutes he’s calling for me from the bedroom. Get muffins in the oven and run down there. He tells me he thinks she’s hungry. Ugh. I think I bit his head off.

Anywho, it’s all behind me now and hopefully I can get some rest today. We’re not going anywhere. A chick from the MOMS Club that I used to be fairly good friends (we grew apart due to her busy schedule mostly but also because we really have nothing in common) is coming by to bring me chicken and dumplings for dinner. Yummy. I’m so excited that I don’t have to cook dinner tonight. I think I’ve cooked everyday since Audrey was born.

So much for Billy’s promises of letting me rest during the week he took off. He drove me insane. This morning was hard but I’m looking forward to a day without hearing him bitch about the mess or about all the things he has to do. During his week off he got quite a few projects done, demonstrated a huge lack of patience with Cate and a total annoyance for the way we do things. I’m glad he’s back at work. I’d rather do it myself I think.

Yesterday he did take the girls on a hike down by his parents’ – they have a lot of land down there so the girls hiked all over the woods and even went down to the creek. They must have been thoroughly worn out because the both slept great last night.

I think I’m going to go take a shower and then try to nap while Cate watches this Strawberry Shortcake crap. *yawn*

I forgot to say how totally in love I am with Audrey. She’s amazing even if she does deprive me of three hours of sleep in a row. It’s worth it. Sweet baby smell. Mmmm. The older girls don’t seem too jealous. I try really hard to give them both individual time but I’m exhausted and can see a change in Emma that makes me a bit sad. I’m hoping she’ll adjust soon. She seems to love holding the baby but has done a few things that are totally out of character.

Introducing Miss Audrey

Audrey Morgan OurLastName

Born October 12, 2009

Weighing 8 lbs 4 oz.

We just love her! Too tired to really blog in detail these days so I’ll just flood this w/ pictures instead.

One day old

Going home

Meeting her big sisters while fast asleep upon arrival

Goodnight stories with littlest sister

Smiling in her sleep this morning

Waiting. . .

Feeling pretty good today while I just wait around hoping to go into labor before Monday when I’m scheduled to be induced. The girls slept over at the in-laws’ last night and we went out to dinner at our favorite Japanese steakhouse. Hadn’t been there since last March. It wasn’t too comfortable sitting in the chair for such an amount of time but the food more than made up for it. It was a great time and Billy seemed in good spirits.

We slept until after 7 this morning! *gasp* Even though I was up every two hours to go pee, I still got pretty good rest. This morning we cleaned the house while the girls got spoiled at the in-laws’ and had a breakfast of pancakes and bacon. Billy went to pick them up and took his parents the pictures from Cate’s preschool which were really great (though overpriced I thought at $10 a sheet). They loved them and asked if they could pick the girls up today again and take them to the store and out to dinner somewhere. Heck, yeah. Go right ahead. Two nights of good sleep before we go into constant sleep deprivation sounds downright therapeuatic to me!

Billy seems happy to be able to get some things done around here. He fixed his little car he drives back and forth to work to save on gas (my old neon), took the trash away, rested and is now cutting vents for the heat to come up from our woodstove this winter. He’s in a great mood when he’s productive and busy. I’m glad he took the extra days off. Some things are just worth more than money.

I think we’ll go do something out again tonight for a little bit. I have an idea to go by Blockbuster and get a few movies to watch while I’m in the hospital. The fancy maternity suites now have DVD players and even refrigerators. So funny. What an improvement from the run down hospital where I had Cate and Emma not so many years ago.

I’m looking forward to all of it – giving birth, breastfeeding, newborn smell, not being pregnant. Ha ha! Life is good today.

Well Rested, Up Early

Yesterday was a shitty day. I was in pain for almost all of it. Then I begged Billy not to work the overtime he swears we need and to just take his usual days off and start his vacation on Sunday. (I’m scheduled to be induced Monday if I don’t have the baby before.)

I was up at 3 a.m. squished between Billy and Cate with no room to move so I had him put her back in her bed much to her dismay and then, of course, I was wide awake. So I took a nice long, hot shower and proceeded to start my day. I already have Emma’s lunch packed, laundry going and I fixed myself a bowl of hot oatmeal. Mmm.

Briefly I considered having sex with Billy but the moment passed and I’m not inspired.

We’ll get Emma off to school (unless my water breaks) and Cate to preschool (unless my water breaks) and then we can go do a few things together. I was thinking about stopping by the store for a few things I need and hooking him up with some Red Bulls for when we do go to the hospital. He is always so tired. Then I thought maybe we could take a long walk on the greenway by the park to see if that would put me into labor. I’m hoping not to have to be induced. Seems more natural to let things happen on their own. The doctor stripped my membranes on Tuesday and I had good reason to believe after yesterday that things are progressing. I thought for sure I’d wake up this morning and my water would have broken just as it did with Emma. Guess not though.

This pregnancy has gone by so fast really. I guess I’ve been distracted. I’m grateful my feet aren’t swollen like they were with Emma and that I’m not in as much pain as I was at the end with Cate. I have this feeling Audrey is going to look more like me though I could be wrong. I just keep imagining brown eyes for some reason though my other girls have blue and green.

I’m so excited about this despite the money stress we have going on right now. It’s going to be fine. We don’t need a whole lot and there are people around us who would help if we did. Billy’s aunt called me the other day to check on me. She’s so sweet. You know how sometimes you can just tell when someone likes you? Well, she likes me. I can tell. I was saying how I don’t really care that we’re poor because I’m grateful to be able to stay home and take care of my own children. She said, “You are NOT poor – y’all have everything you need and your children always look beautiful.” It just made me feel good to hear that. I know we’re not poor. Not compared to how I grew up with a single mother who didn’t even make 10 grand a year. We have plenty in comparison.

I can vividly remember going to bed hungry and being sick to death of grilled cheese sandwiches and chicken noodle soup from a can for dinner. My mother didn’t cook. She was tired all the time and I remember her spending much of my childhood either asleep on the couch, crying or rushing off with some man to get her little “love fix”. I remember feeling old well before my time and how hard it was. How I used to pray to the Virgin Mary to be my mother and pretend it was her face, the face of the statue in my grandmother’s bedroom, I saw before I closed my eyes. Crazy, huh?

So like I said, in comparison to that, my girls are rich. I love them beyond measure and enjoy every minute even when Cate’s driving me crazy. I love to feel her in my arms and just hug her and snuggle with her. I enjoy all our one on one time while Emma’s at school though I miss *her* like crazy.

School for Emma though seems to be going a bit better. She still says she loves it. When she gets on the bus, she’s all smiles and when she returns, she is likewise. Can’t ask for more than that, right?

I am so glad Billy’s going to be home today. You just have no idea. It was the loneliest day for some reason yesterday and I felt helpless and sad and out of control. I think things will be better when the baby is outside of me. I am looking forward to being able to take something stronger for the pain and to have the occasional drink that will take the edge off my ever rattled nerves.